It started out with swollen ovaries the size of golf balls. The diagnosis’s went from UTI, to cancer, to infertility. They told me I could never be pregnant. I shouldn’t of believed them after they had told me I had cancer 3 separate times. All of which not being true. They would take back their diagnosis as soon as more symptoms appeared, but still for the girl who dreamed of being a mom ever since she could remember.

The girl who planned out everything for her “children” when playing house. I was distraught and discouraged. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn’t do the one thing I had always wanted to do. That my body would fail me in such ways. The way I knew I failed Lukas the man I loved more than I thought I ever possibly could. All he wanted was to be a dad. I couldn’t give him that. I couldn’t give him the one thing he wanted. The one thing I wanted.

I never wanted to be pregnant young. I just didn’t want my dreams of giving birth to a child ripped away at such a young age. Yes, I could adopt. I understood that. I always wanted to adopt, but adoption was expensive even before you had the child to care for. We didn’t have money for that. Especially with not knowing what was wrong with me. The doctor bills were stacking up, every test being ordered coming to the same conclusion they had no idea what was wrong with me.

Every place giving me a pregnancy test. Each one coming back negative. I knew something else was going on. I felt different. The last doctor pregnancy test came back negative, yet when they did a pap smear the OB said I had cells on the outside that normally only came up when girls were pregnant. He said it was impossible though because I wasn’t pregnant and that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant. I knew he was wrong he had to be. I felt pregnant.

So after two weeks of waiting for the OB to call and give me more test results that would just be inconclusive. I sat in the bath and looked at myself really looked at myself. I had grown my boobs hurt and were bigger. I thought I had had the flu for almost a week. I looked at my fiance and said I needed to get a pregnancy test I thought I was pregnant. He was conflicted. He hated how I would get my hopes up so high just to have them crushed each time with the negative. He said to wait a day and see if the doctor called back. I didn’t want to wait. I needed to know. So I talked him into running to the store we came back and well like always it was negative. I tried to not show my disappointment. It wasn’t that I wanted to be pregnant young. I just felt like I was trying to out run a clock of the OB’s test result’s that would once again give me the devastating news that I would never be pregnant.

One week later my “flu” was back and I was in such a dark place the OB never returned my calls, he never called like he was supposed too. I hated myself. I hated my body that seemed to be failing me constantly. I was eating constantly which was normal when my depression hit me. I liked to eat my feelings. Which didn’t work because I couldn’t keep anything down from my “flu.”

Well a week after that we were having french fries. One of my favorite foods. Well I ate around three fries and the smell hit me it was horrible how strong they smelled I was gagging. I basically threw the plate of fries at Lukas and said I needed a pregnancy test. He again didn’t want my disappointment to hit me so he tried to talk me out of it. I was determined today though. I had to get it I knew I was pregnant. That was the sign. I was pregnant and all I needed was the test to prove it. I had been craving different foods like crazy, but i thought it just meant my period was coming soon. I tended to get cravings while on it. I never couldn’t stand the smell of fries though.

We had to go to two separate stores because I wanted one of the dollar ones because if I was wrong I didn’t want to spend a fortune on a test for me to be just wrong again. So the first was sold out so we ran to the second and I went to the bathroom to take it while Lukas went back to our room. I took the test and didn’t believe my eyes as almost immediately as dark as ever the two lines showed up. I had to be reading the directions wrong. I had to be seeing it wrong. I rush to the room telling Lukas I needed him to come here now. He followed me back as I stared at the test after explaining what it would look like if we were pregnant he understood and said “We’re pregnant.” A smile on his face a smile I’ll never forget. I didn’t want to take that smile away, but I couldn’t believe it still. The test had to be false. I called my soon to be sister in law. She explained how unlikely a false negative was and I guess part of me still didn’t believe it until the first appointment. When that little mouse looking baby popped up on the screen. I couldn’t stop the smile and tears that fell from my eyes and the laughs as I watched them move so much. I was pregnant.